In the last post, I offered an encountered posed as a question:
24. What if Hydras, but with Hobbits?
And that got me wondering: What IF hydras, but with hobbits? Well, the answer seems pretty clear: Goblins.
"What? That makes no sense, you drunkard." I hear you say; to which I retort: 1) Ouch. Rude. Jesus. and 2) I can show my work. I just gotta do a little information dump to get you on the same page. It'll seem unrelated at first, and it largely is, but the concept it presents will be what's important.
Many of the names I'm about to use have accent marks in their proper spelling, but in 20 years of knowing how to type, I've never figured out how to make them, so they won't have them.
The Story of Fafnir
Fafnir, a dwarf with a strong right arm and a fearless soul, was the son of king Hreidmar, and brother to Regin and Otr. Known for his aggression, he served in his father's hall as a guard, keeping a close eye on the massive amount of wealth the king of the dwarfs obviously would have. He had a nice life, full of dwarf things, until - as these stories go - the gods arrived.
You see, Odin, Loki, and Hœnir were traveling when they encountered Otr. Now Otr had the ability to change into any form, and his favorite was that of the otter. And a damn fine otter he was. So much so, Loki (of course it's Loki, it's always Loki in these stories) desired his pelt, which involved killing and skinning Otr. A task the gods made short work of.
That night they came unto Hreidmar's hall and, pleased with their catch and unknowning it was actually a dwarf or Hreidmar's son, they proudly showed off the pelt they had harvested. Obviously, Hreidmar was displeased by this and at first demanded a life for a life to pay for the murder, however the gods made the argument that the murder was but an accident, as Otr was an otter at the time, and they had no way of knowing. Accepting that it was an accident, Hreidmar instead settled for weregild ("man price", compensation payed to a family over the lose or injury of a member). Otr was the son of a king, so his price was high: in order the gods to leave as free men they had to fill Otr's pelt with yellow gold and then cover it entirely with red gold. Agreeing to this, Odin and Hœnir remained as captives, while Loki went out in search of the gold.
Instead of returning to the large treasure hordes of Asgard to end this unfortunately situation quickly, Loki hunts down Andvari. Andvari, another dwarf with the ability to shape shift (this time into a pike) who lived under a waterfall, was incredibly wealthy, thanks to his ring Andvaranaut, which helped in hunting gold. Using a net from Ran (sea goddess with an indestructible net; a whole other side quest), Loki was able to capture Andvari in fish form, and force him to give up both his gold and magic ring. Having no other choice, Andvari gives them up, but curses them to bring ruin to anyone who possess them in the process.
Full of himself, Loki returned to Hreidmar and laid the gold treasure upon the pelt of Otr. The gold nearly covered all of it, save for a single whisker, which Loki begrudgingly used Andvaranaut to cover. With the wereguild paid in full, the gods were released, and go on about their way, exiting out of this story.
Now, the type of otter Otr was was most likely the euroasian otter, because that's the only Scandinavia has, so we're looking at a pelt up to 37.5 inches (96cm) long, not including the 18 inch (45cm) tail. That's a heap of gold. A HEAP.
Fueled by both jealousy and the curse, but probably mostly the curse, Fafnir drew his sword and murdered Hreidmar, taking all the gold for himself. Escaping in the wilderness, left alone with ill gained fortune, Fafnir grew twisted and cruel, his greed changing him into a serpent/dragon which breathed poison into the very land around him.
And?
AND we see here how Fafnir was corrupted by his greed into a dragon. This wasn't a "Oh, I want this minor material possession to make my miserable life slightly brighter for a moment" nominal amount of greed that we experience everyday, this was "I am fully inclined to murder the man whose enormous amount of gold and gems I've guarded with my life for (probably) decades without so much a thought of snatching one, and also he's my father" amount of greed - the kind you see from landlords and Wall Street. His vice/sin changed him to his very core.
Besides Dwarf, which other usually playable race is known for a vice, such as gluttony?
That's right: Halflings. And where as Halfings aren't Dwarfs, they're not going to turn into dragons or serpents. Their gluttony and sloth and all the other vices and sins that were carried out in the depraved bourgeois halls of Bag End would change and transform them into something else. That something else is a Goblin.
Halflings live in a hole in the ground. To quote: "Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell...it was a hobbit halfing-hole, and that means comfort." (and decadence).
Goblins, on the other hand, live in a hole in the ground. A nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell. A destroyed halfling hole.
That's...asinine, but what does this have to do with Hydra?
Hydras are well known for their ability to regrow their severed heads. A goblin's ability to regrow parts is also well documented. I had a link to this documentation, however now that I needed it, it is missing. The long and short of it was that goblin basically breed through violence, quickly regrowing missing parts or even whole bodies. I'll put in the link if I can ever find it again.
Alright...I guess. And the raccoons?
Look at the following videos. Raccoons are basically Goblins.
Look at 'em.
That's clear evidence that the Elves evolved the Halflings from raccoons, much in the same way they made Man from apes, and Orcs from boar. It's just basic science.
Post Publish Edit (8/11/20): Well kiss my grits. Seems Arnold K already covered this five years ago. While this only further suggests that I am correct, I will not forget this insult.
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